Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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