Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
