Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
