That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
