Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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