We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
