I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
My balls are so social today.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
