i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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