I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
