made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
