I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Randomize
