Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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