Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
