Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
