I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
