Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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