i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I can't put those talents on a resume
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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