the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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