I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
