Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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