You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
