I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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