everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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