no, he came in my armpit
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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