I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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