The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize