I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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