I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
