It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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