I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
