upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
