Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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