so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
