dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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