I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
