Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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