I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Thank you for not boning my boss.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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