We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
If I die, sorry about rent.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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