if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
