i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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