I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
sarcasm needs its own font
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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