We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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