My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
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He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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