my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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