come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Randomize
