Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Is it because I queefed?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
