my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
