Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
