Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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