I accidentally had phone sex last night
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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