this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
