This dress was meant to end up on your floor
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
