i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
