Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
