I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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