she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
