She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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