Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
