I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
