I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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