don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
