Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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