it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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